I found myself saying that phrase over and over again that day. If not aloud, then in my head. You know you've reached crazy when you can't remember if your thoughts are finding their way out or just playing on repeat in your head.
That day was not going how I had planned. I had even spent the night before preparing for that day. I had the coffee grounds and coconut oil and mug already set out. I had my bible open to my reading for that day. My workout video was ready to go. My homeschool activities were carefully planned out. Toys were put away. The pillows were actually on the couch. Everything was in its rightful place. I even went ahead and did my morning chores that night. I fell asleep with my alarm set for 6 o'clock...that gave me roughly two hours of alone time to do my bible study, workout and get breakfast started. I was 100% prepared. This was the same routine that I had been following since the first of January and I was loving the results. I was really enjoying how much smoother our days went when I had a head start on the day and all of its demands.
But my preparing didn't factor in a little boy that would end up sick because he kept on disobeying and taking his hat and gloves off while playing in the snow. Or that little miss would hit a growth spurt and want to nurse all day and night and not nap much that next day unless she was nursing. Or that the other little boy would have "one of those days" where the only thing that made him happy was having mommy's complete attention...something that was impossible to fulfill that day.
I realized that my expectations for that day were probably not going to pan out after I woke up to my alarm clock to find that my husband was not in the bed. He was asleep on the couch with the sick little one. I was extremely thankful for him taking care of Josiah so that I could just focus on Addy and provide her an all-you-can-eat buffet that night. But at the same time, I really wanted to start the coffee and my bible study. But knowing that I would wake them, I decided to just use the time to catch up on some sleep. I couldn't have been asleep for more than 20 minutes when I was awaken to the grouchy cries of Eli who almost never wakes up easily. He's like a bear coming out of hibernation unwillingly. That's not an exaggeration.
And not so slowly by slowly, my plans unraveled as the day progressed.
God, I need you.
....to take his cough away.
....to make her sleep.
....to make him not need me so much.
....to not base my worth on how productive my day is.
There. Right there. That's what God was trying to tell me through all of this. I had been basing my worth on my accomplishments, on the kid's accomplishments, on my husband's accomplishments.
If I had a great day, then I felt good about myself.
If I ate well and exercised, then I felt good about myself.
If I got my bible study done, then I felt good about myself.
If Josiah communicated well with me that day, then I felt good about myself.
If Eli used the bathroom in the potty, then I felt good about myself.
If someone complimented my husband, then I felt good about myself.
And so on and so on and so on.......
But if my day did not pan out the way it was "suppose" to, then I felt bad about myself.
If I didn't eat so great and didn't workout, then I felt bad about myself.
If I didn't get my bible reading in, then I felt bad about myself.
If Josiah didn't communicate well that day, then I felt bad about myself.
If Eli had a bunch of "accidents" in his underwear, then I felt bad about myself.
If someone at church had a complaint, then I felt bad about myself.
And so on and so on and so on.
It's a vicious cycle.
Right there in the middle of that day, after about the hundredth "I need you God", this versecame to mind:
He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit." Titus 3:5
This is the reminder that I needed that day and every day:
When I base my self-worth on anything other than who I am in Christ, I will surely be disappointed. Every time. God's grace shown on me through the cross, had nothing to do with my own worthiness. It had everything to do with his mercy and love. I shouldn't ever think too highly of myself or too lowly of myself. I should think of myself as redeemed....a redeemed person that has "good" days and "bad" days.
Sometimes things happen that we have no control over. Sometimes these things happen frequently. Sometimes there is no fix. We have to look at them for what they truly are.... Just things.... Things that have nothing to do with "who I am in Christ".
At the end of each day, whether good or bad, I want to say: I am a child of God. My self worth is not defined by my accomplishments or my failures. I refuse to feel bad about myself because I had a bad day. I refuse to feel good about myself because I had a good day. I will feel good about myself because I have been redeemed!